These Are The Rantings Of A Disgruntled Youth.

Stillness

2009-07-09T12:16:00.000-07:00

I long for the stillness that was so inherent in my youth. I was so rarely inactive when I was young and yet time slipped by at such a slower rate that it was calm. And I was calm. Then minutes passed as hours and months as years. The future held so much to fear and hope for.
Now a year passes as if it were but a day. Where did it go?
There is still so much to fear and to hope for and yet If that is all you do you are a fool.
Fear and Hope are both foundations and when I stop to look at life I found that I had never learned how to build more than a foundation. I set about teaching myself (and learning from others) just how to go about putting up the walls, building a roof, filling the house.
Just don't forget the decor. That's how you can tell one house from another :-)

2007-11-09T17:28:00.001-08:00

Feast 2007
Utah

Peace

2007-11-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

Peace like a river

How can peace like a river
Flow to the depths of the sea?
Flow to the depths of me?

I need peace like a river
To flow to the depths of the sea.
To flow to the depths of me.

I found peace,
Peace like a river.
It flows to the depths of the sea.
It flows to the depths of me

God is peace,
Peace like a river.
He flows to the depths of the sea.
He flows to the depths of me.

I found peace,
He flows to the depths of me.

The Fall

2007-05-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

I get off work late at night and I can't seem to settle down for bed right away. So I climb on top of my car and stare up at the stars, carefully listening to the sound of the wind. I love the peace that surrounds my house in the stillness of that time of night. Love to breath in the crisp cool air of night and the losing battle of trying not to think or just trying not to think on things that get you all worked up. I have never been good at just existing. I can't seem to turn off the computer in my head until there is nothing left.
When I'm stressed to the point of tears I just let the wind kick up and dry them. It leaves me the feeling as if God is wiping away my tears just as He promised He would!
I'm a very lucky girl! I couldn't have gotten a better father then the Father that I have.

Some times at the end of a work week the most wonderful thing in the world is to escape away to a world of physical exertion. One where even if you have the opportunity to think it is with the clarity of mind that comes... Well if you don't know about the meditative properties that come with going out for an excursion into the woods or mountains then may I just recommend that you GO.
When you strip away all that confusion and noise that comes with living in this world THEN you truly have something.
When I can't take the noise in my own head any longer, the horrible uncertainty and conflicting emotions! I take myself down to Lake Fayetteville, hit the trail running, and don't slow down till all I can hear is the pounding of my heart in my lungs. What a beautiful sound it is to my overwrought mind!

Sometimes you have to go numb to survive!
Sometimes you have nothing left to give.
Sometimes you just shut down!
Sometimes you just cry.
Sometimes you must crash!
Sometimes you must fall.
But someday you will fly

I look for the day when we all will run free Unfettered

2006-12-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how it happened.
I never wanted to climb the corporate ladder. It seems as if one day I awoke to find that I was carrying a soft leather brief case to work, sporting an ipod on my hip, and wondered how I got here. I have always carefully chosen jobs that were not steady. I was a waitress and good at it. I choose a position where I could have freedom in my schedule and take off at will. I am a traveler at heart, you see.
I suppose that one day my wallet became incensed at it's miss treatment and began to protest at rather loud volumes. So it was that I sold my freedom for a bit of security in a steady paycheck.
I must have forgotten my valued quote from good old Ben:
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. " -Ben Franklin
Now the trick is to gain freedom, which is ever so illusive, even when you are severed from your

"Thy rope of sands,
Which petty thoughts have made, and made to thee
Good cable, to enforce and draw,
And be thy law, " -George Herbert The Collar

They are your own creation. You can keep on running but no mater where you go, there you are. What a very sad and useful truth.

It's as if that bit of traveling I got a chance to do, has once again awaken me. I was asleep losing time as rip VanWinkle, and now I am awake.
The chattering of my wallet has been drowned out by the screams from my very marrow, crying out for a change.
For Adventure.
For Life.

2006-11-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

Feet.

My feet are itching to walk. And not just walk but hike and backpack. These are things that I have loved for a long time and yet in all the rat race that is the City Life I have trampled on these desires for a long time. Going and seeing Colorado broke open something inside of me and now the yearning for something else has come alive, full of promise.
I'm going to hike on Friday and yet it doesn't seem enough to go and hike at the local lake trail... I want to put in a good 15 or 20 mile hike and then camp leaving more walking out before you, more to anticipate.
It's funny how when you stay in a place for too long how you achieve such a false sense of security as well as a fear of what is out there.
The longer you stay put the greater the fear. Some times an all consuming and rarely rational (even when based on rational reasoning, the fear remains out of proportion.) fear that is crippling.
I don't feel much of that fear and yet I still feel crippled, confined.
This town has become a prison and I feel that bars pressing ever closer threatening to push the breath right out of me. There is not enough room for me. Not enough air for all these people. The life and energy seeps out of me and I will have to leave soon. Not for long, just long enough to feel the pull of city life again to be refreshed and energies to come back renewed for the challenges and to wait for the need to get out to grip.
For some of us going out into wilderness and nature is similar to old Celtic myths. It was said that once you stepped into the Land of the Fair Folk and managed to come back then you were gripped with The Longing. A driving need to go back and a lack of apatite for anything of this world. Eventually it would kill you. So it is for some of us who prefer wilderness. And yet when there eventually you feel the need to be here, if only because of the emptiness of your wallet.
I don't think my illness will kill me, however I could be driven mad.

2006-10-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

I have experienced more suffering than I am able or willing to share and at times I wonder what the purpose is to so much pain... Wonder how people are able to hate so much and hurt so much.
I never cease to be amazed at the horrors that mankind devise when I know so many good people. It seems as if the persentage of evil people out there is small. Is it simply that those who are hurtful are so many or that they are so vile, or both that accounts for so much horror in the world?
I have come to understand that my suffering is because of who I will become. Great suffering leads to great compassion.
One day we will run free.

Unfettered.

2006-10-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

The majesty here is awesome.

2006-10-30T14:39:00.000-08:00

The Beautiful Colorado. I can't quite conceive of how I managed to drag myself away from here.

2006-10-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

Colorado holds so much more presence than I had thought. I didn't not want to leave and I lingered in those snow capped peaks for as long as I could. I would move there if only I could conceive of meeting the coast of living. It is an experience that can change you if you let it. What awesome breathtaking majesty! Now I know why the bible says "to the hills I lift my eyes"
I lived in California and have seen the sierra Nevada, but this was something more.

2006-09-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how much credit we give to good writers. You could call them storytellers and you could call them manipulators. Both words fit, and still they are more...
Most easily attribute wisdom to people because of how they present information, analyzing the presentation and ignoring the content. People have always been susceptible to grandiose speeches, from Alexander the Great, to Winston Churchill and Adolph Hitler.
people are so driven by their emotions that if you can tap into them you can change what people'a beliefs. The problem is they will continue to change like the direction of the wind, easily believing in the next New Truth just as easily as the Last. Not everyone, just the ones who are over ruled by emotion. A fine line exists between people who are guided by their emotions and people who simply let the emotions sweep over them overruling sense. Lastly their are the people who lack emotion, if people you can call them.
And still it seems that a person devoid of all emotion and someone ruled by it both lack reason. Both equally dangerous. Unwise.

2006-09-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

My Life list:

Sky dive
Travel: I want to see Europe and parts of Asia, although anywhere would be a good start.
Eat filet Minion (Did that in Indianapolis!)
Get into an Art School
Road Trip: go back home to Northern California, see the Red woods and the beach.
Marriage
Have someone to walk me down the isle, to give me away: my mom is a single one...
Children: My mom always wishes my children to be just like me! Hey mom, I love precocious children.
Write: I love to write, and would like to write a book one day
Own a sports car, standard, convertible: I used to want a blue corvette convertible but now who knows?
Own a home, My home.
Have a beautiful kitchen: I love to cook and want lots of counter space! Two ovens!
A bit of an art studio: just some space that belongs to my art and creative thought.

2006-09-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Sarah and I.

2006-09-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

A thousand dollar Mistake.
I'm not the kind of person who has twenty dollars to blow or even spend frivolously. So kissing a grand good bye is not even something I thought I would have an opportunity to experience. Everyone says don't mix business with pleasure, but I find that most of them are hypocrites. $1,000's later I am here to tell you that just because you are a hypocrite doesn't make you wrong. I bought A car from the best of friends and do you know what I have? I have a promise to fix it, a car that runs when it feels like it with no way to predict when that will be, and a best of friend that no longer returns my phone calls.
I never thought I had the words sucker tattooed on my forehead. I never liked tattoos. (she has a tinkerbell tattoo, do you think there is a connection?)
I never figured that I could afford to purchase a thousand dollar lesson, but now I just have to say: Lesson learned!
I think I shall become a hypocrite, do you think there is a job opening? Sounds better than my current post as town idiot or just plain fool...

2006-09-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

I had always planed to go to college. I'm two years out of high school and still not in college. It doesn't bother me though, which is good since it seems to bother everyone else. It's funny, really, I can't see putting myself in that much debt not knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life. It's an expensive venture and not one I plan to fail at. I have a high school teacher who understands me. I had gone back to see him and I was talking to him about what was going on in my life. He told me that the peace I had in my life at the time was worth more than being where everyone felt I should be. He is also the one who has had more faith in me then most. It's funny really because although I do have many interests I have always wanted to attend one school. I have a lot of hang ups about applying there and it has taken me a very long time to decide I would go for it. It's funny how one persons belief in another can have such a profound effect on someone. I never saw myself as an artist, not after three years in art classes that I never would have continued if I had not been prompted by teachers. After six years I started to get the picture, although I always could rationalize that it makes a great hobby.
I have always enjoyed thinking critically and I have come to understand just how critically you have to think to be a successful and competitive artist. Not that some don't get away with an inferior product so to speak...

2005-08-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have always know that I am a blunt person.
Sometimes I begin to wonder if this is a good or bad thing. I was recently in a conversation in which a guy was asking if something he had done was rude. We asked for some context and what he said was basicly this: He asked a girl what impressed her, then backed up and explained that guys found her attractive. He let that sink in and when she was feeling flattered he clairified that he had not said that he found her attractive.(when in reality he did find her attractive) He went on to explain that guys seemed to do stupid things in order to impress her and he didn't think she was impressed.
Ok, so I wanted to know why he couldn't just say I see that guys do stupid things in an attempt to impress you, are you really impressed? Why not be strait forward. He said you can't just do that. I know that girls play games and that some guys do to, but untill this conversation, I had not realized how prevlent these manipulations were in play. Am I one of few out there that is so blunt as to be apalled by such useless, manipulative and childish tactics. Am I too forward? Is this ranting too honest or offensive with it's honesty? I think we should tell it like it is with love and with out trying to hurt some one, but push come to shove i'm not going to be the one who backs down on principles in an attempt to spare feelings. If your wrong i'll tell you your wrong, in as loving and gentle a way as I can, without sacrificing honesty. I hold my friends to their own standards. This means that I have no problem hanging them by a rope that they strung for someone else. (This does not mean one I strung, I'm not that arrogant.)I think that this helps a person to have integrity. You are allowed to change your opinion. I don't mean to say otherwise, but if you hold a belief, then you should seek to understand all that it effects. Somethimes this takes someone outside ourselves to show us how holding one opinion effects a belief on something that seems unrelated. I hope that I make some sence.